Top 10 things NOT to do on Facebook

Charles Le Brun's "Expressions of the Passions of the Soul," 1670

By Steve Erdelen

 

Some disciplines can be mastered only by “hands on,” experience and I believe that “Facebooking” is one of those disciplines.   With that said and considering that Facebook etiquette classes are not offered at the local junior college, I thought that it might be prudent to share with our readers what I’ve learned about the Internet’s “gathering place” in the last five years.  I trust that this information will be helpful… especially for those who are new to Facebook and could certainly use a little insight on how to avoid  the red-faced embarrassment that awaits anyone who is not properly warned about the consequences of being a little too free with their words in this new “public arena.”

 

My qualifications for offering Facebook advice might be questionable, but since there is no academic curriculum, or governing body, for Facebook counselors, I’m all you’ve got right now.  Personally, I’m guilty of about half of the sins listed below, but I’ll never tell which half.  The other half consists of my eyewitness accounts of some of the more tragic train wrecks that I’ve seen posted on Facebook through the years.  I can’t promise that I’ll make you a social media expert, but I can promise that I’ll help you circumvent humiliation, shame, disgrace, scandal, dishonor, degradation and 12 other undesirable adjectives.  Without further blah, blah, blah, here are my Top 10 things not to do on Facebook… in no particular order:     

Serial complaining

Unless your complaint is very interesting, or it originates from an unusual perspective, you might as well chalk it up as just another mind-numbing Facebook moan.   When your idea of an original post is that you hate snow, or your job sucks, or Facebook sucks, or Obama sucks, or your neighbor is an idiot… it may be time to back away from the computer and call a friend, or a family member, to shower them with compliments.  When they react positively (and they will) just remember that charm and optimism also work very well on Facebook. 

“Ninety percent of people don’t care if you have a problem and the other ten percent are glad that you have a problem.” Anonymous

Commenting on a relationship gone bad

 

Slandering another human being (other than a politician) is not cool.  Slandering a human being who you’ve previously chosen to be your boyfriend, or girlfriend, makes it appear that you might have set your standards too high, too low, or that you could be a bit naïve, petty and/or vindictive.  People might be 100% correct in their harsh judgment of a former main squeeze, but they still come off looking bitter and malicious on Facebook.  Slamming an ex might feel good, but it hardly ever looks good.

Posting endless right wing, or left wing, propaganda

I honestly believe that taking a good swing at a politician, political pundit, or political party, is a wholesome thing to do every now and then.  It usually spurs a small debate and is typically harmless.   However, when highly charged political rhetoric is posted on a daily, or sometimes hourly basis, it makes the poster seem small, one dimensional and unable to compromise.  Also, if your post does stir a contentious debate... be sure to avoid making any mean personal comments about your debating opponent.  (Even if they are dumber than a rock).

Slighting a family member

It’s perfectly normal to get really annoyed with a brother, sister, mom, dad, son or daughter, but nobody on Facebook wants to hear about it and who could blame them? Some things are meant to be left alone and throwing close relatives under the bus on Facebook Boulevard, is one of them.  Mean words sting in person, hurt in print and are downright toxic when they’re printed in a public forum.  Family emotions run high, but never high enough to break out the Facebook megaphone.  Keep it under lock and key.

Expecting people to “get” your outburst

When some people come out of the blue to post “Way to go!!” or “That’s just wrong.” or “You’ve got to be kidding me!!” do they really think that most of us understand what they’re referring to?  Talking directly to the TV is frowned upon in most homes… so what makes people think that talking to a TV on Facebook is a step up?  Conversation, or comedy, without any surrounding context, is always awkward and the phenomenon seems to be getting worse by the day.  The young folks who brought you Facebook and texting are not really interested in providing background when they make comments.    It’s almost as if my children’s generation is talking in code and I’m too dim to pick it up.   While that may be entirely true, this is my column and I’ll decide what is odd and what is not!  (I like the word “odd” and I rarely get a chance to use it, so thanks to all those young people who post comments with no point of reference).  Odd!!

Trashing an old acquaintance

“Hey remember when John Doe used to be stoned at school all the time?  It makes you wonder whatever happened to that loser.”  (That type of statement is slanderous, defamatory and is a very acceptable excuse for someone like John Doe, to sue you, or kick your ass in a local tavern some night).

Creating guilt trips to advance your cause

You’ve probably seen quite a few Facebook posts that start like this: “97% of people won’t re-post this…”  Unfortunately, for the poster, that prediction may be a bit closer to 99.9%.  Why?  Because beginning a post by shaming people accomplishes nothing more than to kick-start their defense mechanisms.  The notion that making people feel guilty, lazy or stupid, will somehow induce positive actions toward your cause, is a concept that simply doesn’t exist in the real world. 

Correcting another person’s post

Of course you’re just trying to be helpful, but you risk being portrayed as a smug, know-it-all if you don’t pull off the correction cleverly, or with a sense of humor.  If you don’t want your friend hanging out there with a real obvious typo, or an incorrect fact, the easiest solution is to send them a quick message... otherwise just let it go.  People usually discover their own mistakes within minutes anyway.  Trying to help someone, sometimes has the opposite effect… it embarrasses them.

Counterfeit cleverness

Everyone seems to have a friend who is an absolute blast on Facebook, but is pretty dull at a party.  How can that happen?  It’s easy… the accessibility of millions of jokes and one-liners on the Internet is a boon to those of us who like to make people laugh and can never get enough attention.  Posting funny jokes, or pictures, is always good, harmless fun, but original, offbeat, thoughts are usually much more popular with Facebook surfers.   

Here's a tip:  Think about a very serious current news topic and then do a Jedi mind meld with a more frivolous current topic to form your own creative post. Here’s an example that I made up just now: “It was reported yesterday that Colorado is the least obese state in the country.  Now that pot is legal there and Twinkies are coming back, how long do you think that ranking will last?”  Remember… the time you spend looking for clever lines could be used to work on your own clever lines.   

A barrage of bragging

“The Plaza Hotel is really beautiful during the holidays.”  “There must have been four feet of new powder in Aspen yesterday.”  “I love my job and my husband and my kids and my dog and I’m so lucky to have such great friends and neighbors out here in West County.” 

Please, would you shut-up already?!  Sorry folks, but I’m 58 and I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t just one or two relatives removed from the state penitentiary.  If some people’s lives were as perfect as they pretended… they wouldn’t come to Facebook seeking recognition and approval.  Hey, don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with showing off a little… after all, this is America. We all have people, possessions and accomplishments that we’re proud of.  Bragging only becomes a problem when it appears that it could be your full time job.  In summary, let me opine that if you have to constantly tell everyone how happy you are, you’re probably not getting enough attention at home.

“Vanity can create a very cruel space for you if you don’t know how to manage it.”  Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta (Lady Gaga).

I thought of ten more things not to do on Facebook while I was writing the ten suggestions above, but I’ll have to save them for “What not to do, Part 2.”  Like practically everything else we do, playing the social media game usually boils down to common horse sense: “Look before you leap.” is a good rule of thumb for Facebooking.  Or, as Ernest Hemingway said, “Write drunk, edit sober.”